When Steven wrote me back after I winked at him, I felt a connection that I hadn’t with anyone previously. There was just something about how he phrased things and his word usage (I know…I am weird.) We talked, and talked…AND talked so more. He matched me in so many ways and it didn’t hurt that he was absolutely adorably cute. Haha. He was at the same school I was, about to graduate, had been in the band, and loved the same football team as I did.  AND he was a Christian. 

One of the things that put my mind at ease about the whole “online dating” thing was the fact that he was pretty good friends with one of my casual friends and, in fact, it is pretty amazing that we hadn’t meet before meeting online.

After emailing for about a month and a week, Steven asked me if I wanted to meet up. Uh, of COURSE, I wanted to. But unbeknownest to him, I was trying to play it coy and nonchalalent (sp?) I didn’t want him to know how much I really liked him (which of course is pretty stupid) but I have had a tendency to get carried away by a guy so I wanted to play it cool.

I showed up to the coffee shop so incredibly nervous. I was afraid he wouldn’t like me. Since I had already friended him on Facebook, I knew he wasn’t a mass serial killer because everything he had told me from our emails were legit and matched up with everything that was published on his Facebook.

When I first saw him in person, I nearly melted. He had such a kind face and, yeah, I thought he was really hot. We talked for a long time and it was just easy. After about two hours, I had to leave and he walked me to my car.

I still wasn’t put much stock into this relationship because I had been duped so many times. But after two more dates and many more emails/texts/phone calls later, God just told me that this guy was different and Steven became my boyfriend.

Over the course of Christmas break (Steven graduated and was scheduled to start his job on Jan. 4), we spent almost every single day together. We saw each other in many different situations and we saw each other in both good and bad settings. With each encounter and conflict that we faced, I only saw positive results. He is the perfect complement to me and I can read him like no other.

Since then, we have fallen in love and discovered more and more about each other. I never knew that I could feel the way that I do or that someone would reach through my “crazy” and discover the person that I have tried to hide for a long time.

There’s more that I want to say right now but to everything there is a time and place. One day, I will reveal more but for now it is suffice to say that I love Steven Edward.

One year ago, I was in a good place, or so I thought. I was into my first semester in grad school, was a graduate assistant, volunteering at a library, making new friends and falling deeply into infatuation with one of my close guy friends. A guy friend who I truly believed was the one who was supposed to be my soulmate. One year ago, I was very unhealthy, very overweight, and didn’t really care about changing that. One year ago, I was still trying to discover myself, trying to figure out my life, trying to ignore the whispers of fear that lingered in my ears.

Spring 2009 was a defining time of my life. Reading over those posts I can clearly see that. But the most defining moment came on May 17/May 18 in the form of the worst heartbreak I have ever experienced. One minute the world is right side up and the next you have collapsed into a pile of pain on the wet, grassy knoll outside of your car. One minute your stomach is knotting from excitement, the next minute you feel like vomiting. It is the type of pain that I would never wish on even my most despised enemy. It is made worse when the person who is breaking your heart is calmly proclaiming that “this will all make sense in the future” and “the ONE is right around the corner, Jessica. Just be patient.” It’s impossible to believe that person and all you want to do is curl up and die.

The summer was a refining period of my life. After my time rolling in my grief and despair, I got up, wiped my nose and determined to move forward in my life sans love, relationship, or anything that contained a Y chromosome. Even though I flirted with some possibilities my heart was just cold to the idea of trusting anyone ever again.

Instead, I poured myself into getting in shape, becoming healthy and losing weight. Though I am about fifteen pounds from my goal weight, I am proud to say that I have regained control of my health, lowered my blood pressure, increased my water intake and exercising, and look better then I did a year ago. I also spent time cultivating my friendships and my mind by reading and watching TV shows (for me that is cultivating my mind because I love to think about the TV stuff I watch) I even travelled with some of my close friends, took my first airplane/helicopter and segue ride, and saw the Washington Monument along with other awesome D.C. stuff. For the first time in my life, I spent a weekend at the lake, I water-tubed, I drank wine along side the lake, it was beautiful. I started working again at the library and even though I hated classes, I determined to train myself in my profession. God and I had reconnected and I felt content with how He was guiding my life.

I was happy. I was content.  My friends were fantastic. God was good. But I was lonely. I admitted it to God and I know that He understands. It isn’t a sin to want a romantic companion. I knew that there was a vital part of my life missing.

My social circle was becoming increasingly small and my choices for male romantic companionship was even more limited. After spending a day with a close guy friend who was in a very serious relationship while I spent the rest of the day texting my equally unavailable friend, I realized something. If I wanted a relationship, it wasn’t going to come from within my circle of friends. So led by some outside force (I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was God,) I signed up for an online dating site.

Once upon a time, I would have been embarrassed to admit this. But you know what, this is my story and I can only say what God wanted me to do. He wanted me to join that site, on that specific date and for a specific reason.

I didn’t really expect much. For a couple of weeks, I chatted and talked with this one guy but I didn’t feel any connection or attraction. There were plenty of guys who contacted me but there was just something that didn’t feel right.

I started going to a new church at this time and joined the singles group, hoping that I would have more option there (don’t worry, that’s NOT the only reason I went there) but if I was going to get serious about getting married then I wanted to be in an environment that offered SOME options instead of a setting that had absolutely none. But there was just something off-putting about all of these “super” Christians. The fakeness and “smily” nature of many of the men in that group just made me nauseous. But I tried to convince myself that was the type of guy I wanted but deep down I knew that wasn’t what I needed.

Fast forward to September 24th. I was still on that dating site but after dead-ends and just “eh” matches, I was close to deleting my profile and focus on school and my future move to Washington D.C. (yeah, I dream big.) But there was something inside of my head that whispered to me “Just give it one more shot. See if there are any guys out there that you would be interested in.” So I just went through a list of guys that I thought were attractive (tall, brown hair, glasses) and listed their religious views as Christian. Without registering who I was “winking” at, I clicked on this one guy’s profile. At the time, it kinda of stood out to me but it wasn’t like the “look across a crowded ball-room” type of attention. I just thought “hey, this guy wears glasses, is tall and says he is a Christian. I’ll wink at him.” So I did.

Nothing happened. From any of the fifty or so guys that I winked at. Nothing.

For the next two to three weeks, I was tempted to delete my account. Everyday I felt something telling me no, that I should wait.

October 15th…my life changed. Everything I ever I wanted met everything I ever needed in one man. His name was Steven.

To be continued….

14.) John Richmond’s super awesome music. It makes me think of big band music, the Muppets, Broadway and Mozart…all at the same time.

13.) Two words: Shark. Week.

12.) The real world atmosphere of the show. Who hasn’t known someone like Jenna, Tracy, Jack and, of course, Frank?

11.) It’s a show that I can watch over and over again and still laugh. 

10.)  Where else can you hear quotes like this:

Liz: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?

Or this

Jack: Gosh, I hope you got a picture of that with a camera on your beeper.
Dennis: Actually, my beeper doesn’t have a camera; but it does have a pedometer. Actually, not this one.

How about this?

Liz: What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz: Well, I’m straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

See? They are just really clever, original, and just plain funny.

9.) It made/makes me laugh whenever I need a pick me up. It was something that brought a smile back to my face when I thought I couldn’t smile anymore.

8.) Kenneth Parcell.

7.) Liz is a perfect example of liberal hypocrisy

6.) Original

5.) Dr. Leo Spaceman — “What can you do? Medicine isn’t a science.”

4.) The fact that NBC has a show on it’s network about NBC is just mind blowing. And hilarious.

3.) Toufer is really really REALLY hot.

2.) Judah Friedlander is everything I do NOT want in a boyfriend/husband but I still love him with an undying passion

1.) 

I am Liz Lemon. When she said that “I just want to jump into a relationship, twelve years into it, where you can just goof on TV shows and go to bed without anyone trying any funny business,” I nearly peed myself because that is more or less what I have said. Also, the way Jack described her in the Pilot episode (“educated, overscheduled, undersexed, single and trying to act like they are happy that way…” is me to a T)

If you haven’t seen 30 Rock, stop reading right now and run to the nearest Best Buy, FYE, or Wal-Mart and buy the first season. You could watch it on Hulu but believe me, you will want to have the hard copy for future viewing.

But this is actually a practical post. If you or someone you know struggles with ADHD or ADD, then introduce them to a wonderful thing called the Internet. Serious. It has changed my life.

How can the Internet help those with ADHD/ADD:

1.) Online banking — everything is right there. You have no idea how frustrating it is for those of us with ADHD/ADD to have to remember all the fine details when it comes to banking. For example, writing down every purchase…not going to happen. We forget, get into too much of a hurry, or make a mistake in the writing down process. This is no excuse of course, but if you know that you have a weakness then you need to use all the tools necessary from keeping you from succumbing to that weakness. Hence, online banking works wonders. I can go on there everyday, see what transactions have been posted, which ones are still pending, and how much is in your savings, loans, etc. You can also transfer funds from checking into savings, or vice versa…which means that the ADHD/ADD person doesn’t have to plan and/or schedule ANOTHER errand in their otherwise hectic day. They can do it from their desk at work, their iPhone or their home computer while completing other tasks as well.

2.) Online shopping – the store without all the overwhelming stimuli. If you are like me, walking into a store with people milling about, clothing in disarray, and most of the time, general confusion throughout the store, it can be extremely overwhelming. If you haven’t already come with a list of what you want/need, then you will wandering around aimlessly throughout the clothes store as you try to arrange outfits or get the needed basics. I have counteracted this by doing three things: shopping with my fashion savvy friend, shopping at mid-day (less customers and they have had enough time to organize the store a little better), and, something I just discovered, online shopping. I actually prefer this because a.) it’s less overwhelming, and b.) I can find the exact size, the exact color and the exact style without having to rummage through assorted racks or tables. It’s perfect. You go online to your favorite store. Find the items that you need or want, find your size (and for someone at 5’9, it’s fantastic to find TALLS in the cute styles) and then checkout. It’s that simple. Plus, you cut down on the impulse purchases because you know exactly what you want without other distracting items.

Online Bill Pay – This has been a God-send to those who deal with ADHD/ADD. You can schedule your automatic payments (which cut down on late-fees) or you can just pay it yourself w/o the hassle of stamps, envelopes, checks, etc. Which for someone who has ADHD, if you can streamline a process and create FEWER steps for the person then you will have a much better chance of success then if you don’t. With regular bill pay you have to

*remember to NOT lose the bill statement 

*remember the actual date

* remember to buy stamps

* remember to NOT  lose the envelope and if you do lose the envelope you have to get one of your own envelopes which means you have to remember to buy envelopes or remember where the envelopes are.

All these steps seem pretty elementary, but if you have ever been in the brain of an ADHD/ADD person it overwhelms them to the point of tears. For me, my problem started with LOSING the bill.  Of course, you should always put them in a certain location and always remember to put them in that location BUT if you have been struggling with losing the bill month after month after month then your system is NOT working and you have to evaluate what you are doing. Just because another ADHD/ADDer’s trick or tip works for them doesn’t meant that it will work for you. (Even online banking, shopping or bill pay…if it doesn’t work for you, find something that does) But I digress, online bill pay can immensely help the ADHD/ADDer who struggles with the rudimentary steps in paying bills.

In conclusion, if you struggle with ADHD/ADD then you should find ways that will help you. No matter what they are. If people look at you weird because of your tips or tricks for success, don’t worry about it. You have to do what is right for you. Technology is a great assest, in my opinion. Check it out. See if I am right.

I was talking to my friend, Joseph, the other night, and I have mentioned to him before that some of the most randomest/weirdest people find me and some of the oddest things happen to me. He has usually just nodded his head and smiled whenever I say that but last Friday night, he stopped, looked me dead in the eye and said

 ”You know what? You are so right. The randomest crap happens to you and your life always seems to have interesting people attracted to it. Most people, whenever they claim that they are random or weird things happen to them aren’t really serious or honest but I have hung out with you enough to KNOW that it is all true. And the thing is YOU don’t even look for it…it just seems to happen.”

For example, ten minutes later, we walked into the India Shoppe/Store just to check it out and see what it was. The guy at the counter, a left-over hippie from the 60s, stared at me and asked “Do you have a sister in California.” Now, my parents have never been past Texas, my mom was never knocked up, and, though contrary to EVERYONE who says I have a twin running around in Trussville, Alabama, I do not. So I merely smiled at the guy and said “Nope.” That same night, a lady had stopped me and asked me if I had been the Greek dancer the night before at the Greek Festival. ”Negative,” I replied. Then, I also have all my patrons. Just a second ago this guy was complaining about the bathrooms being locked (they always are), and this other guy wanted me to find him an obituary that HE HAD BEEN STARING AT FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES!!! And then he wanted me to reorganize the messy newspaper that he had messed up…most people would get really mad at this kind of behavior (and I have to admit that I do) BUT most of the time I just have to laugh because it is SO ridiculous.

And anyway, since I choose to laugh and see the funny side to situations, I think that makes me a better person…a more positive person…maybe, a more joyful person. And that’s what is the best thing, to experience true joy and I know where that joy comes from: Jesus Christ. I might not be the best example for Jesus Christ but I do know that the joy that gives me the strenghth to literally “laugh” in the face of trials, tribulations and other tough things that have happened in my life I would be a very bitter person

P.S. My coworker just told me what the guy who wanted the obituary is really doing. What this guy does is he goes through all the obituaries and the African-American ones, he copies and then goes and crashes the funerals and gets lots of food because African-Americans serve LOTS of food at their funerals. So he doesn’t even know these people, reads their obits, goes to their funerals, acts like he knows them and eats the food. Wow.

I’m not angry, I’m not even really sad. I’m just frustated because he is so sweet, kind, considerate, and everything really I would want in a future partner but it will never happen. That’s kinda of depressing.

Oh, well. In other news, I got an iPhone.

In other news, someone gave me a great compliment today. He said my butt looks good and that he wish that he had spent more time with me before moving back home so that he could know what he was missing out on now. And sent me an electronic kiss. It kinda of reminded me of the episode of Will and Grace (7th Season; Episode: Will & Grace & Nadine & Vince) when Kristin Davis guest stars as Nadine, the best friend of Vince who is Will’s boyfriend (confused, yet?) She confesses to Grace that she not only platonically loves her best friend, Vince, but is IN love with her best friend and maybe if she gets Will out of the picture then Vince will realize that he is actually in love with her. To which Grace replies: “YOU WILL NEVER HAVE HIM” (which is hard to hear) BUT Grace (having many more years of experience over Nadine) advises her that what she really wants is someone who will grab her a** in the subway and it not be an accident. Or someone who likes what is underneath the Gucci shirt instead of the Gucci shirt itself. In the closing scene, Vince and Will and Grace are waiting for Nadine to show up with Vince gets a text (or phone call, I don’t remember) from Nadine that says that she was going home with a man who grabbed her a** on the subway. To which Grace replies: “She’s going to make it” I laugh everytime because even though I do not support random hook-ups or even sex before marriage, I do believe that women want to have a man physically desire them not only emotionally desire them (which a lot of gay men do…another complicated situation.) I’m not about to date the first guy that whistles at me on the street but it does feel good when they do whistle.

I love 30 Rock (but I think I’ll have to make another blog entry for that)

I want ice cream.

Random #:What’s Up?

Me: Who is this?

R #: Jackie

Me: Jackie Clay?

R #: Jackie Barton

Me: How did you get this number?

R #: I can’t remember

Me: How did you find it?

R #: Well, i had this number written on a slip of paper

Me: This has to be a prank. Who is this? Because my last name is Barton

R #: That’s weird

Me: Why did you text someone you didn’t know?

R #: I wanted to know who you were

Me: Ok…ay?

R #: Oh. Cool. So, I’m really bored. Can we talk?

Me: Are you a guy or girl?

R#: Girl. But, I go for both.

Me: Ah, sorry, I’m not.

R#: Haha. I have a gf right now.

Me: Cool.

R #: Sorry. I meant to type guy. That was a type-o.

Me: Oh, so you are a guy? With the name Jackie?

R #: That’s a nickname.

Me: Great.

R #: So, what do you go for?

Me: Uh, I’m sorry?

R #: If you’re not bi, what are you?

Me: Very straight.

R #: Oh. Cool. Are you currently in a relationship.

Me: Yeah. His name is Joseph.

R #: Cool. My gf’s name is shawna.

Me: Cool. I really love Joseph — He is my soulmate.

R #: Same with shawna. We have so much chemistry. When we make love, fireworks!

R #: Is it the same with Joseph?

Me: We are waiting for marriage to have sex but our chemistry is great and we love being with each other. And really you have no business asking me those questions…bored or not.

R#: Sorry! Geez. Didn’t think it was that big a deal.

*I stop texting at this point*

R #: Shawna is amazing.

Me: Great. So is Joseph.

R #: Yeah.

*No response*

R #: I’m soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored.

Me: Sorry. Read a book. Watch a movie

*No response*

You can’t make this stuff up. It’s all true.