This Week

I have come full circle. The emotions I have felt ranged from excitement to devastation to embarrassment to shame to fury to heartbreak and heartache. I have gone through the stages of grief only to go into reverse again and again. I’ve had to recalculate reality and will continue to do so. My self-esteem was shot to hell and then raised to the heavens. I felt like I would never talk to anyone again and then found myself smiling at everyone I met. It’s been a weird week.

I’ve thought that I will die an old maid and at other times I have been convinced that I will get married within a year. I have covered the entire gamut of emotional and mental Olympics.

I will say this: I want to meet the love of my life. I want to get married, relatively soon. I want to feel special again. I want to feel pursued and loved for who I am. I don’t like being lonely and I really don’t like being single right now. I want to share the inside jokes with someone. I want to have private chats that only we know about. I want to look at him from across the room and have him smiling back at me. But there is no one. And that makes me feel very lonely.

I know that the “Christian” thing is to say “Oh, well, I’m content in God.” Well, guess what, I am. I have been content in God for nearly 24 years. I’m very okay with God. But I want to be with a human. I want to have human contact. I want to be in love. I want to be happy in a relationship. I want to forget that the world exists when I am with this person. I want them to love my laugh, I want them to like my clothes, I want them to love me. I want to be able to trust someone with my heart.

I’ll never love someone again until it is the “one.”

Yeah. Right. *Rolls Eyes*

Lies and the Liars that tell them…

I have decided that I cannot trust people. It’s impossible to know if what people are saying is the truth or what they are doing is what they really believe. You think you can trust someone and then *BOOM* it’s completely destroyed. It hurts deeper then I can explain…I don’t want to feel this way again. I’m not going to trust anyone ever again, because it sucks.

Facebook Profile

I’m cleaning up my profile but I didn’t want to lose my quotes. Here they are:

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
~ Eph. 5:1-2

“Also do not take to heart everything people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. For many times, also, your own heart has known that even you have cursed others.” ~ Ecclesiastes 7:21-22

“My favorite pastime is giving orders…that might be why i’m a domintrix…” ~ Sarah Bamberg

Chris Griffin: “What’s a library, Dad?”
Peter Griffin: “It’s just a place where homeless people go to shave…” (that’s very true)

“The same blood flows through my veins. The same weakness.” ~ Aragorn, Lord of the Rings

“If you see Jesus, tell Him to take the baby gerbils. They are CHRISTIANS!!!” ~ Dot, Mad TV

“We are parked beside that rainbow flag…of course, in this city, that’s not much of a landmark.” ~ Cody, parking in the French Quarter

“People who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith.”

“Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again, the gift which must be asked for, the door at which a man most knock.”
~ Dietrich Bonhoffer, “The Cost of Discipleship”

“JB, do you know anything about pants?” ~ Britt Doss

“In the wider world, we keep hectically busy and fill every free moment of our day with some form of diversion — work, computers, television, movies, radio, magazines, newspapers, sports, alcohol, drugs, parties. Perhaps we distract ourselves because looking at our lives confronts us with our lack of meaning, our unhappiness, and our loneliness — and with the difficulty, the fragility, and the unbelievable brevity of life.”

Pain is God’s way of speaking to a deaf and dying world…

And He has sure used pain to waken me up. I’m going to be completely honest. I’m utterly ripped apart. I’ve not felt this type of pain for years…it’s completely undone me. I’m left kneeling at the feet of Jesus. And you know what, for the first time in many years I feel peace.

Oh, Jesus, I have run from You. I have tried to find my own way, I have tried to do my own thing, but You my God and King are amazing. I love You. You bring me peace when all I want to do is die. You bring me comfort when all I want to do is destroy myself. I don’t know how I will make it through this, but I’m clinging to You, Jesus. Please cling to me.

I Don’t Like Myself Today

Okay, so I don’t really like myself this morning. Like I keep sinning. I hate it! I always say I am sorry but I continue to sin and I’m afraid that means I’m not a Christian or I’m becoming like my Dad. I just feel like God can’t possibly love me let alone other people in my life. Like I am so afraid that I’ll keep on failing and I do.

Now before anyone worries, I haven’t gone off and killed someone or get pregnant or anything like that. It’s just my typical sin. UGH!

Amazing May Visit: Adventures of Nana and Jessica

I just got back from visiting my grandmother (Nana) in West Tennessee (about thirty minutes from Kentucky/Arkansas.) I thought I would update the world about what all we did while I was there. Please pardon the grammatical and spelling errors.

Monday Afternoon:

* Jessica and Nana met up in Dresden at the E.W. James parking lot around 4:45 pm. Decided to have some dinner at the NEWLY opened China King

* Had a wonderful meal of Chinese food. Jessica ate some sushi (Philadelphia Roll), chicken on a stick, and lo mein noodles. She splurged and drank some sweet tea as well. Nana enjoyed the lo mein noodles and chicken on a stick but decided to forgo the sushi. (Haha) We talked about the family and school. Nana heard all about Jessica’s frustration with graduate school and Jessica heard a little bit about the frustrating circumstances that were going on at the post office. It was there that Nana told Jessica what her graduation present was: a Roth IRA. Jessica was so excited! We left there about 7:30 pm

Monday Evening:

* After dinner we went to the Dollar General store (the new one on the highway) because Nana had a coupon. If you bought $20 dollars of merchandise you could get $5 off!!! That’s a great deal. She bought Hawaiian Punch, a dog toy for Lucky, and some other necessities. Jessica was about to buy a movie “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (a movie Andrew and a movie buff friend recommended) but Nana said that she had another coupon at home so we could come the next day and get it. YAY for saving money!

* Jessica picked up her car from E.W. and we headed for home. Lucky was so excited to see us! He barked and barked and barked!!

* Jessica unloaded her luggage and we sat down and chatted for a little bit. Nana told her all about the trouble with the phone lines at the post office. Robbie and Nana have had to travel back and forth between Dukedom and Cottage Grove just so they could download the statistics from the drop boxes. Needless to say, it has been very frustrating! Because the lightening attacked the phone lines on Friday, there was no Internet service at the Perkins home but there was phone service.

* We talked about what we wanted to do the next day and then headed for bed.

Tuesday Morning:

* Jessica slept until 10 am! While Jessica caught up on her beauty sleep, Nana and Lucky walked around outside and started coffee and got ready for the day.

* Jessica couldn’t believe she had slept that long. Almost 12 hours!! Nana and her had some Cinnamon Toast Crunch for breakfast and a banana. It was very good.

* We decided that Tuesday would be a good day to go to Martin and set up the Roth IRA at Danny’s office. We called and scheduled an appointment for 2:30 pm. Then we headed for town to run some errands.

Tuesday Afternoon:

* First stop: Dollar General. Jessica bought her movie, a Mother’s Day card, some bottle water, dog food, and some tortilla chips. With the $5 off coupon, it was only $17.50!!

* Second stop: Subway. Nana missed the turn because the people who designed the Dollar General store layout made it very difficult to turn onto the highway. But we made it to Subway and enjoyed a $5 footlong oven roasted chicken sandwich. Jessica only got lettuce, tomatoes, pickles and southwest sauce but Nana got all the good stuff: green peppers, black olives, lettuce, tomatoes, and sauce. We saw Joe from the Dresden post office and Nana got to talk to him. Nana and Jessica talked about country music, old pictures, and of course, the family.

* Third stop: Danny’s. We got there about 2:30. Danny likes to talk so he chatted with Jessica about Alabama and Tennessee football. Since he is a huge Tennessee fan, he thought she, an Alabama fan AND Alabama student, would be offended by all the fan paraphernalia but she was okay. Haha. It took a while to sort through all the paperwork but we finally set her up with a Roth IRA. Nana generously gave Jessica $1,000 to get it started and then added some more to Nana’s IRA.

* Fourth stop: Reelfoot Regional Library. This was our first library stop! We didn’t get to go in and look around but Jessica talked with the librarian who was very excited to talk to a library school student.

* Fifth stop: C.E Weldon Public Library. This was Jessica’s second public library when she was a little girl and we wanted to see how it had been remodeled. It is so nice. We looked around for a bit and then headed back to Dresden.

* Jessica wanted to make some spaghetti for dinner so we stopped at E.W. James and got salad and garlic bread. Then it was back home to Lucky! He was, of course, very excited to see us.

Tuesday Evening:

* Jessica made some spaghetti along with some alfredo sauce which she enjoyed. We ate it and it was so good!

* We tried to watch Jeopardy but it wasn’t on so Jess watched Wheel of Fortune while Nana tried to get on the Internet. But it STILL wasn’t working.

* Jessica wore Nana out so much that Nana fell asleep in her chair and didn’t wake up until 4 am the next morning when the storm started. Jessica was really tired too so she went to bed early.

Wednesday Morning:

* Jessica slept late again and got up at 10 am! Nana and Lucky did their chores, tried to get on the Internet (no success) and made coffee.

* When Jessica woke up, Nana heated two sausage, cheese and egg biscuits along with two bear claws. Papa always liked having a breakfast pastry on special occasions so that reminded Jessica of him.

* After breakfast, we decided we would go to the Greenfield library since Jess had done a research proposal on them. Since we were heading that way we called Phil to see if he would be around that area that day. He was going to be in Milan so we decided to have lunch with him.

Wednesday Afternoon

* We met up with Phil at his bank in Milan. Nana went in the bank while Jessica talked with a friend from Birmingham who checked her email account to see if she had heard from a job she had applied for. Jessica followed Phil to this cute little tea room and antique store (Garden Pleasures Tea Room and Gifts) right across from the bank.

* The lunch was so CUTE! We all followed Phil’s suggestion and got the Cold Chicken Salad Plate. It came with fruit salad, chicken salad, pimento cheese, and a crescent roll. It was delicious! Jess and Phil talked about school, Logan and Liz, and how you needed to schedule “emotional time” with Phillip. He was joking of course.

* After lunch, Phil guided us to the Milan library where Jessica checked her email and Facebook. She was very happy to do this. Nana found some books that interested her. They were about art and drawing.

* Jessica drove us back to Greenfield to the Dr. Nathan Porter Library. It’s a tiny little library but Jessica was impressed with their usage of downloadable audio books. She talked to the librarian who was so excited to hear about Jess’s project. Nana looked at the books and found some more books that she wants to check out (it’s an art book)

* We decided not to go to the Dresden library and do genealogy research since it was a little late (4:15 pm.) Instead, Nana suggested going by and seeing Aunt Lucille who lives in Sharon. Jess hadn’t been to Sharon in a long time so she got turned around but we finally got there.

* Aunt Lucille was so excited to see us. At first she thought Jess was Gail. She even said, “Well, Gail, did anyone else come with you?” Jessica just answered that she was Jessica and mom was still in Birmingham. But Jessica is so used to hearing “you look so much like your mother” it didn’t even faze her. We enjoyed a nice little visit but we didn’t stay long because Lucille was getting ready to eat some dinner. So we headed home.

Wednesday Evening

* The Internet finally came back up at home! Nana checked her e-mails. She had 13!!!

* Had a light supper of soup and sandwich and just relaxed for the rest of the evening. Jessica showed Nana how to create labels for her library books and that was helpful.

* Nana suggested that Jessica get up early in the morning and head to Dresden to do genealogy research. Then Nana would meet up with her later and then they would go to Union City for some shopping and catfish!

Thursday Morning

* Jessica woke up around 7:30 and looked at her Family Tree Maker to see what information she needed. She then took off for town while Nana stayed at home.

* At the library, Jessica researched a lot about the Peerys and Stockards. She found out where they were buried (Cates Cemetery.) She also just read up on the local history of the area.

* Cory came to mow and it threw Nana a little late getting to Dresden but she was pulling up just as Jessica was walking out of the library, so it was perfectly fine.

* We left Jessica’s car at E.W. and headed to Martin so Nana could pay the man for the floor for the utility building. While she paid him, Jess stopped at Dairy Queen and got a grilled chicken sandwich and a dipped ice cream cone. She also got a ice cream cup for Nana.

* Headed to Union City via the bypass. It’s so much quicker that way. Went to the outlet mall and shopped at Van Heusen and Vanity Fair. There was some great deals. Jessica bought two shirts at Van Heusen and then bought three pairs of pants from Vanity Fair for under $40 dollars. Gold star for being frugal! Nana got a shirt from Van Heusen, a three-quarter length sea foam shirt and also two pairs of pants from Vanity Fair. It was quite successful.

* After Vanity Fair, Nana called Mom/Gail and wished her a happy birthday (Jess had already called earlier.) While Nana talked to her, Jess drove to Catfish Galley and took Nana to a late lunch.

* Jessica and Nana both had the catfish meal and enjoyed the hushpuppies. Nana was getting very tired and Jessica was not far behind.

Thursday Evening:

* Got back home about 6:30 pm and Jess watched Wheel of Fortune. Nana checked her email and then sat down and quickly fell asleep. It was a very long day. Jessica went to bed early too (9:30 pm)

Friday Morning:

* Jess slept until 9 am and we just relaxed since we didn’t really have to do anything.

* Decided we would have a BBQ lunch at French’s in Dresden and then see if we could find Cates Cemetery so Jess could take pictures.

* Jessica found out that she had made all As for this semester so that made her very happy!

Friday Afternoon

* Got to Dresden about 1:30-2:00pm and got the lunch special. We talked to Wayne who told us how to get to Cates. We started to head that way BUT we forgot that we didn’t have the camera! We decided to go back to the house and get it.

* Since we were over in this area, Nana said we should stop by West Union’s cemetery and take pictures of Grandmommy’s and Granddaddy’s grave along with other family members. Jessica thought that was an excellent idea. So we went there and found Cora and Samuel Darnell and Cora and James Peery along with other cousins and distant relations. It was raining but we had our umbrellas and West Union had kindly built us carport so we could pull our car into so it wouldn’t get wet.

* After West Union, we headed to Cates Cemetery. WE FOUND IT!!! It was an adventure. There were many Peerys and Stockards and Jessica thought it was fantastic.

* We were tired after our adventure at Cates Cemetery so we stopped by Dairy Queen and had some ice cream cones. While we eat them, Nana suggested going on to Sharon and visiting the Corinth cemetery where other family members were buried. So we did.

* After Corinth, we headed on towards Dresden and passed by the Oak Grove Cemetery which is where a lot of the Jolleys are buried. We stopped there but it was the new one and there wasn’t a lot of our family there. So Nana called Sue Bowlin to ask her about it and Sue said that most of the Jolleys (or at least her Jolleys) were at Sunset Hill Cemetery in Dresden. Since we were heading home anyway we decided to stop there.

* Found lots of family members. Jess also took a picture of Annie Bell’s grave. Annie Bell was Calvin’s school teacher. Jessica thought it would be special to put her picture in the family tree.

Friday Evening

*We got home around 7:30 pm and we were tired but happy. Nana checked on her email while Jessica rested by watching some TV. She also uploaded the pictures from the camera onto her computer and they turned out great.

* We had taken about 103 pictures!!! It was a great day.

*We stayed up fairly late (Jess went to bed about 10:45 pm) and just enjoyed each other’s company.

Saturday Morning:

* Jess woke up about 8:00 am and Nana had already been up for a while. She made Jessica a cup of coffee and asked Jessica to show her how to copy and paste things from an e-mail to a Word document. Then Jessica started summarizing their visit and they made this account of their Amazing May Trip!!!